004. | MDD/SAD + Where I’ve Been.

I feel like I should title this blog “irony, irony and more irony” because I keep writing about things like procrastination and how to write -whether it’s blog posts, your novel, a short story, an article, a journal entry- while also being distracted. I planned to have a series of posts done where one could refer to them and find themselves some good tips and tricks on how to Get Shit Done while being distracted and struggling with productivity. It’s something I could never find online and I thought that I would share all of my own tips, tricks and strategies and hopefully help others.

One month on and I’ve managed three blog posts that don’t have to do with much at all and I’ve accumulated eight drafts. A bit of a personal moment here (and if you know my other blog, then you know I’m very transparent with my mental health struggles and perhaps that’s a bit of a flaw but I find it easier to relate to others when I know what they’re going through; however I also understand people’s need for privacy. Maybe it’s because I’ve been blogging openly about mental health since the days of LiveJournal and communities on there, I don’t know.

Anyway – I’ve been struggling with MDD (major depression with seasonal pattern) and it’s obviously worse during the holidays. It’s one of those things where I just let it run it’s course while also adhering to a crisis management plan but for the most part, I’m able to get through it just by sticking to a schedule, which I have been. Blogging was something I did only on NYE [on my other domain] as a way to get my thoughts down, but otherwise, I haven’t been able to stick with it right now. I want to be able to post things that are quality and the stuff I have been writing the last month or so haven’t been quality at all. I know I can get back to where I need to be and once I do, I’ll be creating content full time here. It’s difficult to start something up when you have zero back and zero followers except for yourself. One feels as if they are screaming into the void or if they just wasted all of this money on a domain name, web space etc for nothing.

At the same time, I know that what I’m planning on doing with this domain will end up being a good thing, even if I don’t have a ton of people following me. I’m using Twitter as my means of getting other like-minded people involved and interested since it’s the least toxic place online (and I’ve mostly quit using Facebook so I might remove my page widget from the sidebar soon) and I know that eventually, things will take off. My goal here isn’t numbers, followers, or anything like that – if I can help at least one person, that’s all that matters to me.

So in closing, I haven’t disappeared or abandoned this project, I just need to sort myself out and while doing that, start to become better with time management. At the moment I’m sleeping anywhere from 15 to 20 hours a day and that’s making my timing/scheduling a bit off. I need to let my body do it’s what it needs to for now. I’m on the final leg of increasing my ADHD medication to the therapeutic dose I’m supposed to be on (just upped it today, actually) so I know there will be a few days where my sleep is going to be weird; this usually ends up being 3 or 4 days of insomnia, and then I’m fine. Then I can go back to the sleep schedule the specialist suggested for my sleep disorder, and hopefully, I can stop this 15-20 hours asleep thing.

Irony – a few weeks ago I was writing (or typing.. not sure where but I know I said it somewhere) about how there didn’t seem to be the usual tanking of my mood that tends to follow after Nanowrimo. I was.. emotionally fine, for the first 12 or so days of the month. I was also sick with a nasty cold-whatever-the-heck but that was only until the 7th or so. I didn’t start having the low mood until a few days ago and I thought it was just happening because my mood was strange while I was sick.


But nope. I’m still feeling that way and it’s making me incapable of doing a lot of things I wanted to do. So, here’s my post on what I’m doing about getting past it and my game-plan between now and January 1st, because it’s apparent I need one. Nothing wrong in that. I read more about seasonal affective disorder and seasonal depression shortly after Nanowrimo than any other time of the year, even though SAD affects us year ’round, it just hits harder during holidays – especially holidays that are centred around family and things we may not have.